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Feeling the heat.

Classes have started this week, and I've had the chance now to meet with all my teachers (sans Chemistry lab) and while I came into this semester confident, that feeling has since been shoved away. And I'm scared. Scared that I won't be up to snuff for my classes, for the MCAT, or for medical school. Scared that my smarts I assumed I had were just a fleeting hope. I'm beginning to think that I'm going to need to pull out the stops in ways I've never even imagined. I don't feel that I am adequately prepared to handle what I already knew what was going to be a tough semester, and that worries me. At the same time, I can't let these worries dictate what I do. I can't let them stop me.

Most people see undergrad as a way to experience their newfound freedom. The freedom that occurs when you move away from your parents for months at a time and begin to deal with life the way you want. As a non-traditional student, I feel like I have the upper hand on these younger, naive students. I've worked full time and lived in my own apartment, knowing that the bills have to be paid by me and not anyone else. I've had my time to fuck around, and I did it in high school. I never went to class, I overslept, I dicked around, and now I'm ready to prove to admissions and to myself that I'm capable of doing more than just what I did as a teenager. I'm 26 years old, and I don't have time to fuck around anymore.

There are tons of people that want to be doctors. They want the prestige, the money, and the ability to help people and do what most can't. And for a good portion of these people, their dream never comes true. Medical school admissions are a game, and you need to learn to play it. You have to study hard, study smart, prove to admissions that you're seemingly normal, and hope you get picked. It seems easy, but it really isn't. Among the endless kissing ass you need to do in order to get coveted Letters of Recommendation, you need to take classes that will barely help you in medical school. Yes, the underlying concepts will be needed, but other than that, your pre-med classes are given simply to weed out the dreamers and make sure you pass the MCAT.

My point is, these classes are not just ones I need for my degree. Actually, with the exception of Russian Conversation - which is a repeatable class, so I've already taken it once for the specific credit towards my major - none of the classes I am taking this semester have ANYTHING to do with my degree. They are all so I can take the MCAT and get into medical school. There is undue pressure on me to get through this, and with As. Not just for me, not just for the admissions committee, but for my family.

No, they're not depending on me to become a physician. Rather, I have some proving to do. I grew up as the theoretical "black sheep" of the family. I danced outside the lines of life. I didn't go to college right out of high school. I took the SATs without studying for them. I hung out with kids who smoked weed and cut class and drank many years before they were legally allowed. I struggled with depression and intermittent cutting. I moved to New Hampshire, back to New York, and to Texas in a span of 6 years. I'm a dreamer, with a driving spirit that takes me anywhere it wants to go. I fought back when scolded. I disobeyed more than listened. And those decisions and actions put me in the place that I am right now.

Do I know that I have what it takes to get into medical school? Nope.

But I'll be damned if my past is the thing that stops me.

Class of 2019?

So, I was on SDN earlier, and found a large thread in the pre-med sub-forum for people who will be in the Class of 2019. This wouldn't be for undergrad, but for medical school. After some simple calculations of classes I plan to take and when I plan to take them, I realized that I would be planning to take the MCAT and apply in 2014, making my matriculation year - should I get accepted - 2015, which would make me part of the Class of 2019.


After letting that sink in.. okay, scratch that. It really hasn't finished sinking in. There are times when you have goals in your life, and you set out to complete them, and you usually get to that point in some form or another. But something like this, when it has a tangible end; a number and time frame that is actually placed.. it really gets you thinking.

After last semester and the tragic grade I got in my Biology class, I realized I haven't been in the right mindset, and to be honest, I started out in the wrong mindset. I came back to pre-med maybe a month into classes, and although I've always been studious (well, always been since college began) the pressure came back ten-fold, but the damage to my mind had already been done. I need to start off strong to finish strong, and I found myself struggling to catch up, and the stress, in turn, made me convince myself I had nothing to get done for the week, when in fact I had tons. My other classes were not tough, but they required a different type of work than my Biology class.

Now that I see the tangible end to my goal, it's easier to realize how much my grades really mean. At this point, I have a 3.5 GPA. More than fine, but needs to be a few points higher to compete with other students. There are a lot of things on the checklist that need to get taken care of this semester. I'll be exhausted, coffee will be my friend, but in the end, I'll have what I want, and that's what matters.

Check back at the end of next week to see how true this stays :) Just kidding.

Till next time!
After my boyfriend's almost-tragic hospital stay (see my post directly below this one) we both decided we had to take better care of ourselves. We're doing it for different reasons. He's doing it for the diabetes and to undo years of hedonism, and I'm doing it to look better, to beat the family history of hypertension and heart disease, and also to ensure I can handle the rigor of residency. If I have a code, I can't just walk slowly to the patient because I'm out of breath from running. Also, how could I consult a patient to lose weight if I can't do the same?

Losing weight is like being in a detox center. I love food, and more than just for eating. I love to cook, learn new recipes, and everything else. So, when I have to stop eating a good meal because I'm full and it's time to put the fork down, it's like my stomach starts growling, trying to convince me it's ready for more. I've had to be more self conscious than ever before, counting calories and measuring portions. Soon, I won't have to do this anymore; it'll just be natural. But for now, I need to be anal, and this is new for me. I've had to give up a lot of things I love for the time being. I refuse to cut out carbs, or things like that, because I feel that depriving yourself of a certain thing will cause you to relapse, at least in the case of food. I will treat myself occasionally, and I do eat bread and pasta, but my body understands I'm not eating the portions I used to, and the numbers on the scale reflect that.

Now that the holidays are officially over, I can keep up with everything, and once I head back to class, it'll be even easier. My home is full of snacks and goodies, though I didn't put them there. Long story about my living situation. In being home, though, there's a ton of crap I need to weed through to find the healthy stuff, and it's a hassle. At my university, nothing is forced upon me, and there are many choices. I can go to Subway instead of Panda Express (though I love me some Panda!) and I don't have access to as many snacks.

It's going to be a constant struggle, at least until I lose some more weight and the progress is even greater. I tend to do better as I see the progress. Last night I was looking at pictures from when I was 34 pounds heavier, and compared it to recent pictures, and it's insane. I still look heavy, but there are definite places where I've slimmed, and I can't wait till I see more and more progress. This WILL happen for me.

Time to dust off this blog..

And get back to writing :)

Yes, it has been a while. My initial reason for not writing was because I was still getting used to the college grind. Then I stopped completely, because for a while I stopped being pre-med.

I'll try to make this story as short as possible. During my first year, I was becoming increasingly interested in my Russian classes, and less interested in anything else. I had joined the Russian Club, and they were the most fascinating people, and we had a ton of laughs and good times. I met a really good friend joining that club, and his wife and I are even closer. I had yet to meet one single pre-med who wasn't nutso. There's this one girl who I still see around, and I heard her talking to her friend saying, "My only goal right now is to get a 45 on the MCAT." Her friend responded with a "Wow.. some of us just want to get to tomorrow!" I seriously hope this chick cracks a year from now and doesn't get into medical school, because I cannot see her being a physician. I work as a barista in the cafe in the university library, and she's the rudest bitch I've ever met. I've wanted to spit in her coffee numerous times.

I was also getting serious backlash from my mother, who believes the debt is too much, or that because as a teenager I never finished what I started, so therefore, I'm the same at 26 and wouldn't finish medical school. It was her distaste in the idea that made me feel like I couldn't do it, and I switched majors from English to Russian, and just spent my second semester taking random classes. Over the summer I went to Russia, but not before something tragic happened.

My boyfriend was admitted to the hospital two weeks before I left. Diabetic ketoacidosis. During his first few hours in the ICU, the nurse noticed an abscess on his inner thigh turning gangrenous. He was rushed to surgery. We were told had this been caught an hour later, he would not be alive. I shudder to think of this. His recovery was difficult and yet quick. He recovered from the surgery extremely well, and was in a regular room after two days. By the end of the week, he was home, albeit with two large open wounds that had to be cleaned by a home care nurse 3 days a week and a prescription for diabetic medication.

Throughout his hospital stay, I was enamored by the entire staff that took care of him, from the people in the ER, to the ICU staff, and to the surgeons who saved his life. They knew what they were doing and they took care of him and his family, and they saved his life. I began to rethink my decision. I was also privy to seeing his central line be removed, and other procedures, though I couldn't stay for his wound cleaning. Even with the morphine, hearing him in pain makes me sick to my stomach.

My final test was when I got back to classes over the fall. I had enrolled in a Biology class, but was not aware it was for pre-meds and science majors (my university has an "easier" course for non-majors. Even though this class at the time was only to complete my science requirement for Russian, I stayed. And from the first second my teacher mentioned the pre-med clubs and we got into what makes Biology cool, it had been set. I needed to go back pre-med, and I would ignore both the retarded pre-meds who try to look smart in front of everyone and my mother.

And I did. I told my mom I was doing this whether she likes it or not, and I ignored the students who were trying to be awesome but really weren't. I had one girl who in passing told me she worked in the medical field, when I asked what she did, she said, "Oh, I'm a secretary at a hospital." Yeah, okay. Idiot.

So, I'm back. Classes start up in 2 weeks, so I'll be ready to blog about things as they happen, I promise. Special thanks to someone on SDN who reminded me I even have this thing! :)

Finally.. a meaningful update!

 I finally have some decent things to talk about! Woo! I have some time before bed, so I thought I would quickly make an update before I head to bed. 6am comes early to me now.

I started school last Thursday and it was a blast. The newness has definitely worn off and I'm adjusting, but otherwise doing okay. 

History: My teacher is sorta strict, but otherwise fine. I think that she knows a lot of the students in her class are fresh from high school, and she's trying to stress that this is college level stuff, and just listening to lecture or doing nothing will not get a passing grade. She allows for laptops, which is wonderful for lecture, as I can type up everything I need for her class incredibly quick. We're starting from the very beginning, from when the Native Americans came to America and Christopher Columbus "found" the new world. I have that class two days a week.

Political Science: What's really funny is I have not been able to see what this class is like. My teacher did not show up on Thursday. So I'm sure it'll be a nice class, I guess.. haha.

English: My teacher rocks, honestly. He's very down to earth, and likes the class to be student-driven. He doesn't do lecture, so it'll be a very participate-based class, which I love. I have that class 3 days a week, for 50 minutes.

Russian: Wonderful class. So much fun. I'm getting a lot out of it, and I'm expanding on what I already know, which is really nice. I'm learning how to write in Russian cursive, since Russians don't really print, like we do in English. Some of the letters are a lot different than their typed counterparts, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. My teacher is really nice and while the class is intensive, she makes sure that we understand everything. She speaks entirely in Russian through the class, so we're basically getting the treatment that a young child would get: repetition of the language so we begin to pick out the words and remember them. Of course, this is my favorite class.

I also work four days a week in the library at a Starbucks. I enjoy the job immensely, but I haven't worked in a job where I've had to stand for hours since I worked in Wal-Mart back in 2008. That's taking some time to get used to, but I think after a few more shifts I'll get it. The job moves pretty quick for most of it, especially while it's still warm out; people love cold ice coffee drinks. I'm also enjoying making money again; hopefully I can save up to see my family with Clinton over winter break.

The Ron White show before school was awesome. He was hilarious, and so was his opening act. We were about 6-7 rows from the stage, so we had a great view and had such a great time. I would definitely go and see him again whenever I could. He's from the area, so he was happy to be back and performing.

Well, I should probably get to bed. Russian starts at 8am. :)

Almost there!

 Sorry I haven't updated (who am I apologizing to, exactly?). There really hasn't been much going on since I last made an entry. Now with 13 days left till school begins, all there really is to do is wait.

I got a job on campus, so woo!! I start next week for training, so I'm very excited to get a second income coming in and I can finally feel like I'm not useless anymore. It's the Starbucks inside one of the buildings, so it'll be so easy to get to. I'll probably be working 3-4 days a week, about 6 hours a day, which really isn't bad since I'll be doing studying and classes as well. 

Next Saturday Clinton and I are going to see Ron White with our friend Roger, and I beyond excited. I've never seen a big name comedian live before. I went to a small comedy club in the city and went to a show there, but there weren't any comedians I actually knew. Don't get me wrong, though, they were actually hilarious - my stomach was aching by the time it was over. Clinton really admires Ron White, namely for the fact he's from Arlington, has some rather dry humor, and drinks whiskey (or is it Scotch?) on stage. But I'm very excited to go, and Clinton has the next day off, so that'll make the transition into the final days before classes very easy.

I'm trying to think of what else has been going on.. my days are usually spent playing online poker, watching TV, or trying to play Grand Theft Auto IV. I've been getting better on it, and I really like the storyline. It's based in Liberty City, which is the equivalent of NYC and it's boroughs. The main area you start out in is Hove Beach, and it's directly similar to Brighton Beach in Brooklyn - a Russian area. With my Russian obsession and my subsequent language classes, it's been nice to have that in part of the story. There's even a Russian station on the radio when you drive - Vladivostok FM. The station is fictional, but the city it's named after is real. I've gotten attached to one song in particular - O Tebye (About You) from a girl group called Ranetki. I ended up listening to their other songs, and they're really good and catchy, so I ended up buying the CD on iTunes. It's pretty good to keep the language in my head and keep hearing the various sounds and words. It'll be better for me to recognize them later.

Apparently, the girls also have a show about them in Russia - they play themselves and it's how they made the group and dealt with random teenage issues. I found someone who put English subtitles to the episodes, and I started watching it. It's very real, and I like that they didn't just make it some simple show. There's some real issues: Anya's parents constantly fight and she is adjusting to life in Moscow after moving from Ekaterinburg. Not a lot of people like her there, and she's been made fun of. Lera is constantly getting herself infatuated with older men. Her father is a cop and her mother was apparently killed by a murderer her father imprisoned. Natasha lives with her mother and found out her father left before Natasha was born, and he's a rock star in Germany. She plays his electric guitar. Lena lives with her grandfather - a novelist - while her parents are in Nigeria saving lives, as they are doctors trying to fix an epidemic that broke out there. And Zhenya is constantly trying to do good by her overbearing parents, who always want her to get good grades and never falter in that. She just wants to have friends, live a normal life, and have fun. While I know it's a show meant for teenagers, it's actually very mature in nature, and as well as the music, listening to the show with subtitles gives me a chance to try and match the smaller Russian words with their English counterparts so I can try to subconsciously learn this language a bit before classes start.

Clinton and I are planning on buying my schoolbooks before classes begin as well. I tried going on the cheap books website, but it seems a lot of students know about the site and the books I needed were already gone, or they were not the edition I needed. Hopefully, the bookstore will have rent options for some books, and used books as well. I will not have a problem doing either of those options before actually buying new versions of the books.

It seems like there are so many things to do before classes, and honestly, I wish that were the truth. The main thing I get to do is just patiently wait. *sigh*

13 freakin' days. Well, there was my random post for the night. See ya.
 Many of us are aware that the internet is a wonderful place to get information. You can just about research anything and get some answers in about 2 seconds - unless you STILL have dial-up, in which case, good luck to you. But just like you can find information, you can also find a lot of drama. It's really shocking. The internet is like a costume for most people. You can hide in it and pretend to be whoever you want. Sure, you might be some 50 year old fat fuck still living in his parent's basement munchin' on Doritos and whackin' it to fetish porn, but on the internet, you're a buff 27 year old who has wonderful morals and values. No one knows who you really are, and you can be as big as a dick as you want, because, well, who cares?

So, if we're all hiding behind our "costumes", then why do we care to argue with people who disagree with our thoughts?

As the title of my blog tells you, I'm pre-med (reiterating this for those who have just stumbled upon my blog - hi! *wave*) and I frequent a forum for medical school hopefuls such as myself. And this forum has a wealth on information, but with this wealth comes some people that are essentially just assholes, really. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure if I knew them in real life, I'm sure they aren't so bad, but it's the fact that we are hidden behind a computer screen that makes us so much more apt to argue with someone when in reality, it doesn't matter.

I am completely guilty of this, and the image I posted above honestly makes me laugh. We've all done it, and people still do it. I imagine it's the feeling that we need to get the last word in; we HAVE to be the one that makes the point, but it never happens. The other person will still respond, and all you do is end up having pages and pages of one thread where there is still the back and forth of two people or more arguing about one subject. There is no "agree to disagree." It's all "I'm fucking right and you guys suck if you don't believe me."

One thing we all have to remember is that tone is an unknown dimension on the internet. It's never there. We have to take things as they are read in our heads. It's sort of the whole CAPS LOCK MEANS YELLING thing that we all learned in chatrooms on AOL 2.1. And tell me as you were reading that sentence in your head that you didn't scream out the words that were in all capitals. We all know that's how it works. And people need to remember that when you're in an argument, you might think someone is yelling at you, but they aren't. And that's what makes internet conversations so difficult. You can't ever tell what someone means, even though the words are right in front of you. I always go by the way someone types something out. If they say something you think might be serious, but they put "lol" after it, you're probably okay. I'm sure they aren't actually laughing out loud, but it means that the sentence was probably intending to be friendly.

That was a rather short blog, but after a few drama filled moments on the forums, I had just had to blog about it. And I'm right, and if you don't agree with me, I'm going to tear to pieces with vicious rhetoric :P

Is it August 26th yet?

 Just a little over a month to go. I'm honestly getting really restless. It seems like every year, since I've been about the age of 5, I've been really excited about school, and then after the first week, I never want to go anymore. The new-ness wears off, and you're bored, and don't want to learn. But this year, I am very excited, and I cannot wait, and I know that especially this semester, I will not get bored after the first week. I also just simply cannot stop studying because of that. I admit, the last time I was in school, I didn't have the best way of studying. My boyfriend at the time understood I needed to study, but he was a really bad instigator and wanted me to play World of Warcraft rather than study. And I love playing that game. I love my mage, she's really cool and getting awesome gear in raids, and -- I'll stop now.

Anyway, starting classes this year is much more important than it ever has been. I officially start working on getting my degree and finishing all of my pre-medical requirements before I start to apply for medical school. Besides the coursework, I need to volunteer, do research, shadow physicians/surgeons, participate in my pre-med clubs, and attempt to work as well. Right now it looks like I'll be getting a job on campus. While I would love to get a job off campus so I can establish residency, it just doesn't look like it's gonna happen. Side note: Texas doesn't consider me a resident if I have a job on campus, even though I could show them bills paid at my residence, I'd be paying taxes (just like I did for the state LAST year), and yet I'm still not a fucking resident. Thanks for the big "fuck you!" Texas!

Back to the happy talk.

I've almost got all of my school supplies, and I literally feel like a kid in a candy store each year I have to shop for the items. When I called my mother and caught her up on what's been going on recently, she laughed at the fact that I've already done back to school shopping two months before classes begin and she jokingly asked, "Did you already put your dividers in your binder and write the names of the classes on them?" I used to do that every year. It hasn't changed. Granted, I'm not really using a binder with paper in it (I have individual notebooks) but I'm using a binder to keep all papers that are given to me for each class - syllabus, tests, papers due, etc - and so, I need dividers here as well. I'll also be bringing my laptop in case I'm in a class where typing on a laptop almost seems standard; I'll look for other students who are doing so. Like most, I can type much faster than I write, but I have no problem re-writing the notes onto paper in my notebooks so I can keep looking at the information and study from it. The only class where my laptop really won't be needed is Into to Russian. Sure, computers can type in other languages, and is no stranger to Cyrillic, but the format of the keyboard on Russian computers is so different, it would take me hours to find each key. I could purchase stickers that go over the keyboard (they sell them on this Russian language site I've been on) but that's just too annoying. Besides, I'm assuming we're going to need to learn to write Russian the correct way, and most people do not write in the block letters you see. That's actually the only way I know how to read Russian at this point, so learning how to write Cyrillic the normal way is going to be different - their T looks like our N in script - remember learning that in 3rd grade? How the "n" always looked like an "m" and the "m" looked really funky? I don't write in cursive like that anymore, and I'm pretty sure no one else does, either.

Wow, I'm really getting off topic tonight.

Anyway, with the exception of my Russian class, everything is going to be pretty easy, and I'm happy for a relatively light course load to help me ease into a four year university. While I'll enjoy the Russian class immensely, it's an 8-hour intensive, meaning it has the load of 8 credits instead of 4. When everyone is taking a midterm, I'll be taking a final, and then we'll move right along to the next part of the class. I really wanted to take Russian, and since I registered late, it was the only class left. I'm kinda stressed about that, since I know it'll be a ton of work, but I'm hoping that success will prevail, and I'm banking that on the fact that my other three classes are relatively easy, and I have such a love of learning Russian and know the alphabet and some conversational phrases already. Since it's an Intro class, I'm hoping I already have a head-start on most of the people taking the course. I guess I'll know on the 27th, as my first day of classes do not include my Russian one. /sadface

I still can't believe we're almost finished with July already. It's pretty crazy, and this month so far has gone incredibly quick. I think Clinton's new schedule has contributed to that. He has Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, and works roughly 9-6 Monday, Thursday, and Friday, and then works the weekends, but works 8-5 Saturday, and 8-4 Sunday. Because of all this, I decided to change my sleeping patterns. I'm up all night, I sleep when Clinton leaves for work, and is up when he gets home. This way, I get as much time with him as I can, and it's so much easier for me to stay up all night then all day. It's really been nice, and it's made everything go so quick, but even so when I think about it, I'm still so far away from classes and it makes me antsy. 

Around August 15th, I need to start changing my schedule over to be up during the day, as my classes all week start at 8am. I'll probably be up by 6:30am each day to give myself to eat breakfast, drink some coffee, go over notes, and get ready. I plan on showering at night, because even though I'll be up early enough and showers always wake you up, morning showers just don't do it for me. You're so sensitive to temperature, and since Clinton loves to leave the central air on and fans on, I'm usually cold when I get up, and the warm water is so wonderful I don't want to leave the shower and end up staying in there much longer. I'm miserable when I get out because I'm cold again, and it's just a bad morning. And I'm not a morning person as it is. Also, I plan on straightening my hair and I'd never have time to shower AND do that in the morning.

Finally, one thing I have promised myself, and I let Clinton hold me to it, is I want one night each week where I do not study and I just relax. Whether it's going out to dinner, or just catching up on my shows (DVR ftw!) I need to do SOMETHING. This will be staple I will use in undergrad and in medical school. I don't want to be burned out, and I want to still appreciate the little things. Being able to do something fun will remind me of all that, and it'll be such a nice treat, I'll appreciate it for what it is. Just one night to not worry about my classes, unless it's the night before a test. Then everything else might have to take a backseat. :)

Countdown: 1 month, 1 week.

Been away for a bit..

 Precisely two months, from what I can gather. Seems my last post was April 24th.

Sorry I haven't updated. Actually, I'm not really sure who I'm apologizing to, since I'm not sure who the hell reads these entries anymore. Probably no one, considering I made them all friends-only, and I only have one LJ friend, and I don't even know if he comes on here anymore. So, I guess I'm apologizing to myself. Sorry, me.

I haven't been up to a lot, just waiting for classes to get underway. 2 months and 2 days. Yes, I'm counting down. I don't care. I sit here every day bored out of my skull, and I would love to stress about classwork and projects due and working on extracurricular activities to make my medical school application stand out, rather than random stupid shit that doesn't matter.

I won't get into the whole story, but basically after a certain situation that happened last September, I now worry about my health more than I ever have my whole life. And I'm not talking about worrying endlessly about my cholesterol or the family history of heart disease - while I do worry about these things, I'm not obsessing - but rather about other things that I honestly can't prevent or do anything about. And I think that's what worries me the most. But I digress. If I were to talk about the issues, my mind would continue to think about them, and I'm trying to stop that.

This week has been rather odd. On Monday, our central air broke just around the wonderful time of the month here in Texas where it starts to hit the upper 90s/lower 100s. Awesome. It happened at night, so it was slightly cooler, but we were still uncomfortable. On Tuesday, the maintenance man came around to look at it, and found out our compressor was shot, and he needed to order a new one. He'd put it on rush order, and he said it should come by the next day. Hopefully. Well, Clinton went to work and I hung out around the house... and my god, it was horrible. I took a cold shower, had cold washcloths in the freezer that I was using to keep cool, and had the fans on me. Eventually, I had to shut down my laptop as it was overheating, and I started getting sick. By the time 6pm came around, I was exhibiting some serious signs of heat exhaustion. I didn't - and couldn't - get up or move around. I was just sick and lightheaded and drifting in and out. Clinton left work and came and got me, and we sat in the air conditioned car and got something to drink at Sonic. 

When we got back to the apartment, he was astounded at how hot and muggy it was, and couldn't believe I'd spent so much time actually dealing with it. He suggested looking at staying at a hotel for a night or two, and we found one relatively cheap, and it was really nice, too. We checked in on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday Clinton went to the apartment to find the compressor had been replaced, and our central air was working. We decided to still stay at the hotel till Thursday, though, since we paid for it. And now I'm back home, and it's nice having the AC back.

The one thing I noticed - and I'm not surprised, really - is that any discomfort or worries I've had being here at the apartment went away entirely while at the hotel. And I know it's because of my stress level. The apartment is not bad, but it's where I've been 24/7 since I moved here. I haven't had a job (thanks, economy!) since July of last year, and all I do is sit around and try to find things to amuse myself. Being at the hotel was a change of pace, and it was like a vacation. Sure, I did the same things that I do here (play poker, watch TV, etc) but it was a change of scenery and I think that helped. Now I'm back at the apartment and the stresses come back. Stresses that shouldn't even be present, but they are. I need a job. I need school. I just need DISTRACTIONS.

Clinton always wonders why I can't just play a game on the XBOX or Wii and be satisfied. And while those games are fun, they don't take a lot of mental work. That's where the problem lies. My mind needs to be distracted enough so it doesn't have the time to think about all the stupid shit that doesn't matter. That's why I play poker. I always have to think about my hand, the other players' hands, what bets to make, etc. I don't have time to worry about what ache I have somewhere, or what thing I saw on my arm the other day, or whatever. I can't play WoW anymore, not only because I'm burned out from it, but because it takes no real thought process. And that's another reason why I cannot wait for school. 

The classes I am taking this semester are not essentially hard, but they take a lot of memorization, at least for 3 out of the 4 courses. English is basically going to be writing and shit, and look what I'm doing now. Yeah. That never takes a lot of effort. But Political Science and History are going to be full of memorizing names, dates, and places, and Russian.. well, I'm learning a whole fucking language. I'm super stoked about it being a language I want to learn, though. If the school had also offered Swedish, I'd be having a tough time making a decision on which one to learn!

I'm also going to attempt getting a job on campus. We'll see what happens. I'm supposed to drop off my class schedule to them, but every time I'm supposed to go, something happens, like the hotel situation, or I sleep late, or something like that. But if I can get a job there, that means I'll be making some money, and my days will be thinking about school and my job and the good things about life, and not the irrational worries that plague the inner parts of my brain that seriously need to stfu. Also, the college has an activities center where I can take aerobics classes, or use the fitness center, or play some basketball - I love me some hoops. They also have a mental health center, so maybe I can get back on the Zoloft and keep my Dysthymia in check. That's my main problem, and I even looked up my disorder. I mean, all of it is me to a T. The mood swings, depression, anxiety, chronic stress, and mild signs of OCD. It's all me. I hate to honestly admit that I have a mental illness, but I know I need to embrace it and also know that the disorder is a part of me, but it's not ME. I don't have to let it take control, and I'm working on not doing that.

All in all, waiting two months for school to start is killing me. But once I start it, I hope I can continue to blog and just keep talking about everything that will be going on there. I can start putting my med school application process down on here, and talk about shadowing and volunteering experiences, and all of that. That's what makes me excited about everything, and that's what I can't wait for.

And if nothing else, I can always become a professional poker player :P


I got accepted to UTA yesterday!!

I am amazingly relieved and excited to be able to start my full journey at a university and get the ball rolling. Now is where the real fun begins.

Although, I'm accepted, I need to wait for the official admissions letter to come before I make any phone calls to advisors. Mainly because on the application, they asked me what majors I wanted. One to be my first choice and one for my second choice. I picked English for my first and Russian for my second. I'm pretty sure they gave me the English major, since you need to take a test for the Russian and I don't think I met the requirements. Secondly, since I'm going pre-med (and put that on the application) I need to find out if there's any information regarding a pre-med advisor. If there's a question on the application that asks about pre-med or pre-law, I'm assuming they employ an advisor for such things.

I also need to do orientation. They offer them twice before the school year begins; one in June and the other in August. The fee is $45, and it gets billed to my student account so it's included in tuition, which actually makes it easier on me, since I don't have $45 to throw around. Hell, I barely have seven. Orientation is a full day, so there's gonna be a lot of things to do and ask and see, as well as taking some minor tests that are mandated by the school. I've been through that song and dance before. It's all preliminary stuff. I'm honestly not worried about it really, except for maybe the math. While I took math in community college and didn't do all that bad with it, I've again not needed to use it for a little bit now, and have probably forgotten things like adding and subtracting fractions, and the formulas for finding out the area of a triangle - you know, all those things you will NEVER need unless you go to be a contractor later in life. I certainly doubt I'm gonna need to find out the area of a triangle for the purpose of dissecting out a tumor lodged inside a person's frontal lobe or something.

The thing that worries me - maybe more than I'd like to admit - is this whole Texas residency bullshit. In New Hampshire, this was a bit different. In order to be considered a NH resident for school, you had to be living there a year and have proof of residence (obviously that was void for people who had transcripts from high schools in NH). The year deadline just had to be marked before you matriculated at the school. I went with my now ex's parents, got the notary at the town hall to sign off on it, and there we go. I was in-state, and paid in-state tuition. However, with the state of Texas, residency is determined not only by a year of living in the state, but working for that long as well. Unfortunately, with the economy being the way that it is, I only had a temporary job back in November, and have not had one since. I am hoping that because I actually did work, that maybe if they deny my residency, I can fight it, because the reason I came here was not just because of school. The thing was, on my application, they had asked about all of that, and since I didn't understand what it was for, I didn't really stress too much that it wasn't about school. I nonchalantly mentioned that I moved to have a change of pace, that I had friends here, and my boyfriend. I would have said a bit more, had I known it was going to affect how much tuition they charge me.

I know I'm getting grants and loans. I know I am eligible, but I do not know exactly how much they are giving me. Because of this, I don't know if I'll be able to afford anything that isn't covered. I am going to try to do whatever I can to make sure I take the maximum amount of credits to continue to get financial aid (12) while not going overboard on classes I don't need. I don't want to take an art class just to have fun, unless I need it for my major, or because I need it to push my credits up to 12. Unnecessary classes when I'm not sure I have all the tuition paid for is not good to strive for.

I'm just gonna wait for the official letter and go from there. But as of right now, I am totally stoked and excited!